I'm so hard on myself to the point where I never know if I'm being lazy or if my body is actually begging for rest. Most of the time I just call it laziness and force myself to keep going which doesn't end well. I've figured that when I work pass my psychical ability I create work which I consider to be shit and that frustrates me because I know I can do better so I end up pushing myself even harder and it's just a horrible cycle. Honestly, this habit comes from insecurity. For so long I did nothing because I didn't feel like I was good enough and eventually it turned into laziness and i'd just make up excuses to myself as to why I couldn't achieve the goals I was setting. It took a lot of soul searching and meditation to beat that habit. However now I find myself on the other extreme end. Those who know me will tell you I literally work until I end up randomly falling asleep, be it on the caoch at university or in the middle of a conversation whilst I'm doing my work. But I accept that nobody is perfect especially not me so I need to stop being so harsh on myself. Today I decided to have a day off. I literally stayed in bed all day long and watched old 90s superhero films (my favourite is Tank Girl). Although there was a tiny voice of guilt within me nagging me to get some work done I just kept reminding myself that I have not had a complete day off in three weeks straight. Forcing yourself to work when you're tired is like going on a road trip knowing your tank is practically empty, it's just stupid.
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